Q) I’ve heard that infant massage is all the rage. Is it true that it can assist in relieving discomfort from teething, congestion and colic?

A) If you can get your baby to give you a massage, I say go for it. Kids don’t know any better. They do whatever their parents tell them to do. Think of it this way: you owe it to yourself. Especially after changing all those diapers. Let the little tyke earn his room and board.

Q) Is there a toilet tissue on the market that is soft & gentle?

A) There is actually a toilet paper out there called Soft & Gentle. This, imho, is quite the claim. I mean this is a stretch. If rectal bleeding is your thing, Soft & Gentle is your product. If a sore anus is what your after, this is your tissue. But the word “tissue” is not accurate because it suggests a soft, delicate, light, thin material. I think the paper should be renamed “Just Like Newspaper” After-Toilet Cleansing Scrub.

Q) How do I know which sunscreen is right for me?

A) This is a very good question. On a tropical, warm weather vacation one needs to keep their dear flesh properly protected, moist and soft as a baby’s bottom. After all, you don’t want to take your tan home in a baggy. In my opinion, application is key. Finer vacation resorts will have a stable of young, strapping pool boys eager to serve. It is their job to see that you are comfortable and happy. Have them set up your lounge chair and fetch your towels. Miguel and Raul will be happy to apply your sunscreen on those tough-to-reach spots. Klaus will always keep you refreshed with a misting treatment of fresh, cool spring water. And remember, if Hans serves you ice water with ice cubes made from just regular tap water, it is well within your rights to demand Evian cubes. Report him to upper management at once!!

A note from Tania

Recently, as I was undergoing a major exfoliation treatment, I was approached by a lady named Kathy on the subject of men. Here is a snippet of our conversation:

K: I have been single for a long time and I’m looking for a good man. Do you have any advice?
T: Are you thinking marriage, kids, what?
K: Yes, I have all that it mind. It’s so hard to find a “real man.” What do you think is a real man?
T: A real man is a man who thinks of his family first. He provides for his wife and children and can always admit he’s wrong.
K: Where did you learn that crap?
T: Ricardo Montalban
K: Oh.

A massage is like a vacation. It always goes by too quickly. So here are some tips I’d like to share with you all which, I hope, will take you to a whole new massage plateau of excitement, relaxation and fun. I have compiled a list of Do’s and Don’ts which you are all welcome to take along on your little massage excursion. So Bon Voyage and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, which wouldn’t be much.

DO
* massage in tight circles
* knead the same spot with both hands
* use a variety of condiments, seasonings & relishes
* establish rhythmic movements
* grant massage recipient’s requests, even if role playing is involved
* be warm
* ask for feedback on stroke and pressure preferences
* sit on massage recipient & wiggle
* eliminate bright lights and noise
* ask a lot of personal, nosy questions
* use a wide-toothed comb (for unusually hairy backs)
* eliminate drafts to prevent muscle tension
* check restraints for wearing & fraying points
* reawaken your sleeping massage recipient so you can finish story about your tax audit
* feel free to initiate the massage. Men especially appreciate it.
* only use oils, lotions, salves, creams, ointments, gels and unguents which are certified by the American Massage Therapy Association or Wham-o.

DON’T
* wear jewelry or a watch
* comment on how tense the massage recipient seems to be
* play music by Kenny G.
* pinch, jerk, drum or poke
* sit on massage recipient & wiggle
* press on bony surfaces
* rush
* forget your tools: oil, pillows, towels, rolling pin, meat tenderizer, Phillips screwdriver
* ever keep Pez dispenser out of reach
* Petrissage on a full stomach
* prepare mango vodka sours prior massage. ALWAYS wait until AFTER completion of massage

If this all seems too complicated just schedule an appointment for a Parisian Body Polishing Treatment or a Lymphatic cleansing and bill it to Greg Postles.